My White Trash Neighbor: A Very White Trash Christmas

So, yesterday was my work holiday party and when I arrived home, there were cars parked on the front lawn. Oh fucking great, I thought to myself. WTN and friends are up to no good tonight. Huffing and puffing, I got out of my car and as I did, WTN spotted me and called out to me in the darkness: he informed me they were having a holiday party and invited me to come by for some drinks; starts at 9 o'clock, dressy, blah blah. I said, sounds great, I just came from a holiday party so I'm dressed - see you then! No way I would pass up that invite: This was my ticket in to White Trash Paradise!

I freshened up and headed on over. WTN welcomed me with open arms. (Literally. He's a self proclaimed 'hugger'.) I got introduced to all the voices that I have been hearing through my window these last few months. The loud mouth girl with the annoying laugh, who turned out to be WTN's cousin. Loud mouth friend who drives the gay Audi TT, who apparently no one even likes.(Not surprised - they never pay attention to him outside.) The guy who hit on me from the jetski and the tiny, youthful looking Leprechaun. Even the girls with the jeggings and the FUGGS. And especially, Hot White Trash Brother: He gave me the grand tour of their lair and bragged about possibly purchasing a $600 oriental rug in the morning.

WTN tried to get the fire in the fire pit going and basically squirted a whole bottle of lighter fluid on it, creating Dante's Inferno. I told him I'd put 911 on speed dial. I got some champagne and mingled and taste tested different flavors of some weird alcohol infused whipped cream. (Spiced vanilla was a win. Chocolate raspberry tasted like rubbing alcohol.) More people showed up - mostly girls in tight holiday dresses. There was flip cup, glowsticks on the tree, Christmas music and general frat party-eque mayhem. WTN's Uncle even showed up and got girls to sit on his lap.(Not me.) I made sure to get plenty of photo documentation of the whole thing.

When all was said and done, I found myself waking up at 5 AM in my own bed - alone and naked. Clothes thrown into the corner, shoes in my closet, one contact lens in my eye and the other in the case in the bathroom, still open. And onset of the 2nd worst hangover of the year.

I had to get up and get my car inspected and when I returned, WTN was outside and invited me in to hang out for a bit with everyone else still there and re-cooperating. There were solo cups everywhere, the house was trashed and stank. And it was at this moment when I truly felt like I had infiltrated the circle. As WTN and his friends sat around, it was just like being in my room listening to their conversations outside. Despite the presence of me and one other girl, there was absolutely no filter on anything that they said. They talked about how hot the chicks at the party were and tits and dreamed of a casino with strippers. WTN said that every time the house lost in Black Jack, the dealer should remove an article of clothing.

When I arrived, Hot White Trash Brother was spooning with the chick who I think was the girl with the jeggings. When they came out of the room, he announced to everyone that she wouldn't kiss him until he took her on a date. Smart move - apparently he made out with everything at the party the night before. He tried to find mistletoe to trick her into it, but she refused. After Jegging girl left, he lamented his recent breakup with his girlfriend, complained about girls who thought he was a dick ("I don't care, I wasn't looking for anything anyway!") and how much more he liked Jegging girl in the daytime. ("I'm not really attracted to her at night - But I have to remember she has a nice ass!") He continued to have bouts of word vomit, such as talking about how he devirginized a neighborhood girl, didn't know it and didn't call her again ("Oops. Sorry."), which he interspersed with asking me random questions like the book I had with me and what I liked to do for fun. HWTB also talked about having to take care of S-squared: Shit, Shower, Shave and.... that was it: I'm not sure he realized squared means x4. Then him and the Leprechaun talked cleanup; they were going to shit, smoke a joint and then get to sweeping. I like their initiative. They clearly have their priorities in order.

WTN told a story about the time he tried to "woo" a lady; the girl was apparently a model and he took her to some restaurant on a "day date" (which he was really upset about apparently) down the shore. The girl ordered a bellini but he told her he couldn't drink because he had to go to work. The girl ordered a 2nd one and he finally broke down and got a bloody mary. They both had 4 drinks each and he talked about how the bill took a toll on his wallet. Then he bought the chick a bottle of vodka and she drove to Philly. One of WTN's friends thought that a bellini was a crepe, or a pancake. We all corrected him and told him it was cocktail.The FUGGS girl rolled her eyes at him and said "So you thought she had four pancakes??" Sadly, there was no second date.

At some point in time, their dad showed up but WTN was able to keep him outside and far away from the blast zone. They were worried that they had anything out that would be incriminating, but apparently lost both their weed bowls somewhere in the house over the course of the evening. WTN figured they were probably in his jacket pocket. WTN also joked to his friend about bringing the baby pool out later on that day and turning it into a hot tub. Then him & his friends talked about how awesome it would be if they had an actual hot tub there. They also contemplated going to their parents' house and stealing the hot tub. "Wouldn't it be funny if he [dad] came home and there were just wires sticking out of the porch? He'd shit!"

Random quote: "We should get dogs for the house. We'll get like, a cool ass German Sheppard that could watch over everything. And then, a year later, we could get two labs that were brothers." - HWTB; Was this a metaphor for his own life?

They also debated an afternoon trip to either the casino or the strip club, then asked me if I would be the DD. I told them no fair because I wanted to come too. They said if they went now though, it would be the "C" group (aka the dirty nasty strippers that work the day shift and don't bring in any money.) Leprechaun said he didn't really want to have to pay some fat chick for a lapdance. I told him not to pick the fat chick then. WTN got excited; "You've been to a strip club before! You know that you can pick them!" HWTB then talked about the hottest lapdance he ever got, where the chick rubbed her tits all over his face and "fucked my body". Then, he mentioned a HS hockey trip they went on to Western PA where the whole team got together & paid $300 to 2 strippers to come to their hotel. "These 2 chicks were going to TOWN on each other! It was so fucking hot! Best money I ever spent!"

Well, after that, they started to get everything ready to start cleaning up so I made that my cue to leave. WTN hugged me again and I said thanks and goodbye. It was truly the most epic experience ever and I wish I could just bring a hidden camera with me and hang out with them more often. In the meantime, I leave you with these wonderful images captured on my camera phone. Merry White Trash Christmas to All! (After the jump)